Consent Isn’t a Decision—It’s a Dialogue
The body, the mind, and the partner all have something to say. Are we listening?
Consent has been flattened into a binary: yes or no, green light or red light. But real consent—especially the kind that lives in the nervous system—isn’t a decision we make once. It’s a conversation we stay in. With our body. With our mind. With our partner. And sometimes, those voices don’t agree.
We were taught to treat sex like a gate. Open or closed. Simple. Straightforward.
Except it rarely is.
For many of us—especially those healing from trauma—consent isn’t a moment. It’s an unfolding.
Sometimes the body says no. We tense. We disconnect. We freeze. We want out, but we don’t speak up—because we technically said yes.
Other times, it’s the mind that hesitates. We overthink. We analyze. We can’t tell if it’s safe, or smart, or appropriate. But the body? She’s a yes. Warm, soft, pulsing with readiness. And we’re caught in between.
The Conversation Within
This is what I call nervous system consent—not a checkbox, not a contract, but a living, evolving dialogue between body, mind, and energy.
And when trauma is part of our history, that conversation gets even more complex. The body might go numb as a way of keeping us safe. The mind might slam the brakes—not because the moment is wrong, but because we’ve learned to expect harm. Sometimes the signals we trust most are actually habits of protection.
And other times, the body knows something the mind hasn’t caught up to yet. Desire blooms—unexpected, undeniable—and the mind says, “Wait… is this okay?”
Nuance Over Rules
This is where we need nuance. Not “always trust your body” or “never override fear,” but something gentler. More curious. More honest.
We can pause and ask ourselves:
Is this hesitation wisdom—or old fear?
Is this arousal safe to follow—or is it familiar danger dressed up in new clothes?
Is this resistance a no—or an invitation to go slow?
Sometimes we won’t know right away. That’s okay. The point isn’t clarity on demand. It’s intimacy with what’s true, in real time.
When the Body Says Yes First
Here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: nervous system consent isn’t just about recognizing when we’ve disconnected—it’s also about learning to trust our yes.
That shy, insistent yes rising in the hips before we’ve made sense of it. The warmth in the belly that doesn’t match the mental storyline. The full-body invitation to step into something real—while the mind still clings to old caution.
Sometimes the deepest healing isn’t about stopping. It’s about letting ourselves want—without apology or analysis.
Bringing the Dialogue Into the Relationship
Of course, this dialogue doesn’t stop with us. Consent isn’t just internal. It’s relational.
That ongoing inner conversation becomes the foundation for the external one—with our partner. And if we’re lucky, we’re partnering with someone who welcomes and meets us at that level of truth.
We get to say:
“My body wants this, but my head isn’t sure. Can we take it slow?”
“I’m feeling something open… and also a little fear. I might need to pause and stay connected.”
“I want to want this, but I’m not all the way there yet.”
And ideally, we get to hear:
“Of course.”
“I’m with you.”
“Let’s feel into it together.”
That’s what nervous system consent looks like in real time. Not clean. Not perfect. But alive.
This Is the Work
To notice when we check out.
To recognize when we override.
To welcome the ache of wanting and the caution of memory—both held in the same body.
When we stop asking, “Is this right or wrong?” and start asking, “What’s real right now?”—we come back into connection. With ourselves. With each other. With the erotic truth of the moment…whatever it may be.
We don’t arrive at consent once.
We arrive, and then arrive again.
The body shifts.
The mind catches up—or doesn’t.
Desire flickers, fades, flares.
Consent isn’t a fixed decision. It’s a dialogue—quiet, sometimes contradictory—and it lives in the space between body, mind, and relationship.