Consent is an Erotic Language

What Most People Get Wrong and Why It Even Matters

Jul 11, 2025

Consent isn’t just a legal concept or a checkbox before sex. It’s a living language—an erotic one. It’s how we say yes. And how we say no. Most importantly, it’s how we stay connected in the space between.

And yet—even in 2025, even among the most loving and enlightened lovers—consent is often misunderstood, oversimplified, or dismissed as something only necessary in the presence of danger or dysfunction. It’s as if consent is about not assaulting someone—rather than honoring them.

I hear it all the time in my work with couples:
“But we’ve been having sex for years.”
“I thought it was okay.”
“They didn’t say no.”
“She always likes that.”
“We’re past needing to ask.”

No. No. No. And no.

The Consent Conversation We Still Need to Have

We’re decades into the yes means yes movement, and still, so many people struggle to understand that consent is more than permission—it’s presence.

It’s not about being polite.
It’s not about avoiding blame.
It’s not even about getting the green light to proceed.

It’s about checking in with another human being’s body, heart, and nervous system—in real time.

Consent is:
• Ongoing
• Fluid
• Context-dependent
• Embodied
• Not just verbal—but also verbal
• Not a one-time conversation—but a living dialogue

Why Consent Still Feels “Unsexy” to Some

Here’s the kicker: people still associate consent with awkwardness, rejection, or killing the mood.

Let’s name that.

Our erotic culture has been shaped by porn, rom-coms, and tired social scripts that tell us good sex just happens—spontaneously, wordlessly, seamlessly. If you have to ask, you must be insecure. Or inexperienced. Or, worse, unsexy. Guess what, you don’t need to stop the action to check in with your partner.

But let me offer a reframe:

Real consent isn’t awkward. It’s electric.
It’s attunement. It’s anticipation. It’s adult eroticism.

Nothing says I see you more than:
“Do you want this?”
“Would you like more?”
“How’s this feeling in your body?”
“Are you still a yes?”

That’s not clunky. That’s mastery.

Enthusiastic Consent ≠ High Energy

Let’s clear up another myth: consent doesn’t have to be loud, flirty, or vocal to be valid. Someone can be a soft yes. A whisper. A melt.

Consent can live in eye contact…in breath…in the pulse beneath the skin.

But here’s the key: enthusiastic doesn’t mean bubbly.
It means aligned.
It means they’re not doing it to please you, pacify you, or survive you.

And if there’s ever any doubt—you ask—not because you’re afraid of messing up—
but because you care.

Consent Inside Long-Term Relationships

Let’s go even deeper.

One of the most overlooked places where consent quietly falls apart is inside long-term relationships.

When you’ve been with someone for years—through sex, illness, childbirth, grief, joy—it’s easy to assume access.

Access to their body.
Access to their time.
Access to their arousal.

But intimacy does not equal entitlement.

Consent in long-term partnership looks like this:
• Asking even when you think you know the answer
• Listening for nuance, not just “yes” or “no”
• Respecting when the answer has changed since last time
• Remembering that trauma, hormones, illness, grief, and time all shape desire

A woman once told me, “He loves me, but I don’t think he notices that I brace when he touches me now.”
That’s a consent failure.
Not malicious—but real.

A Practice: The 4-Line Consent Check-In

Try this before a sexual experience—or even before something emotionally tender.
Make it playful, devotional, or gentle.
Try it with someone you love.
Or try it with yourself.

1. What would feel good right now?
2. What are you open to receiving?
3. What are you a clear no to today?
4. What kind of support would help you stay in communication?

This takes two minutes.
It sets the tone.
It builds trust.
It invites presence.

And here’s the beautiful thing:
When both people feel safe, respected, and free to stay in choice—the sex is so much better.

In Case No One Told You

You don’t owe your body to anyone—not even someone who loves you.
You don’t have to read someone’s mind to be a good lover.
You don’t have to say yes to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.

And you’re allowed to change your mind.
You’re allowed to need language.
You’re allowed to want sex that includes you.

Because consent isn’t about protection.
It’s about connection.

It’s not a buzzword.
It’s an erotic language.